me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
You Might Also Like
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.