when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
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I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
🤣🤣💀
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.