when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.