when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
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Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”