when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
adding to the discourse
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows