When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
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Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
NASA has no chill
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”