Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”