When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Sir!!
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.