When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
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(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
step 6: release the wall snake
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.