Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague