When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]