When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*