Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

shakira sharkira

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

What’s dopamine is dopayours.