When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
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The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.