When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Not today, today.
Not today.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Unmatched
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
every college guy’s fridge
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl