When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
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[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me when I try to be useful
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.