When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”