Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

never stops being funny

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

That’s commitment

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Okay

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.