When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Well, that should do it
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*