When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
