When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.