when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
