when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Finally
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
