When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
This is my pinned tweet
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk