When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Current mood: Potato
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube