When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
You Might Also Like
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung