When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Put my back out twerking in the library again
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.