When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
You Might Also Like
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”