Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today