when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
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“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
