When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
