When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The internet is magic sometimes.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
