When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
