When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
