Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough