When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
All right then, keep your secrets
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
These are my roll models.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle