Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?