When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
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We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
Whoa 😂
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
