Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.