Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet