When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?