Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

An odd boast

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

I put the hot in psychotic.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me