Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom