When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
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Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
When someone trying to leave me
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.