“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”