“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
i hate you platonically
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.