Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.