When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist