Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.