When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
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How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Same pineapple, same
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.