When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
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You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
When libraries troll their patrons.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.