When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday