When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
