When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
