When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
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Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
you know what ruined my childhood? children
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
multitasking lunch
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat