When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”