When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Very problematic
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
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5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.