When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Just a reminder, folks:
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe