When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡