When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.