When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.