@allisonjp

When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.

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@tsm560

It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.

@T_N_Crumpets

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

@noneofyours99

* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep

* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it

* wakes up

* forgot key word

@blade_funner

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

@rockstarfish

Today, coworker deemed herself “unscareable”. Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

@RBColl

Have you ever looked at someone’s phone’s selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?

@Dawn_M_

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.