Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Teach your children to beatbox

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

The Book. The Movie.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.