Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong