When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
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Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.