When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
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An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
How do you like your Corgi?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.