When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
You Might Also Like
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
There’s never enough good news
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked