When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
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Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
“FRAAANCE!”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec