When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
It was worth a shot 😂
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
A roof is a house hat.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I love twitter
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
