When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
