When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
seriously you guys
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
