When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”


doctor: your wife has gone into labour

me: oh no

wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE


Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…

So how much do I have to drink beforehand?


When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is


A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.


waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes


Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country?

2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?


*pounding on her chest*


*pounds harder*


CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.