PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
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me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
I said let’s go.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face
the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho
contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous
the bachelor: lol ok katie
contestant: it’s jennifer
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall