When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
You Might Also Like
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
🤣😈🤣
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.