All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
doctor: your wife has gone into labour
me: oh no
wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE
Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…
So how much do I have to drink beforehand?
When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is
how it started vs how it ended
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country?
2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.